And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
