I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
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