I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
