I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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