her vagina looked like bernie madoff
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Is Oprah even human
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
