There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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