Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
