I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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