I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
Randomize
