this just has baby written all over it
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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