only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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