Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Randomize
