she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
