they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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