I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
