my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
Randomize
