things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
