I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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