My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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