Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
