flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
