I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Randomize
