Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Randomize
