Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
