Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
