she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
