I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I need moral support for this bender
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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