After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
