You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
