yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
