Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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