he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
