this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
