Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
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