i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Hippo gnu deer
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
