you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize
