The brown eye won't let me do that either.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
I got inside last night via doggy door
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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