your thong is hanging out like whoa
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Randomize
