I wish I could teleport
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
