Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
