just come out here and I will go home with you...
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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