What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Randomize
