Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
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