yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
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