Define "chronic" masturbator.
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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