we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Randomize
