my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
