You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Randomize
