I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Randomize
