Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Randomize
