you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
