How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
