i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Randomize
