just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
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